Top 10 Douchebags in U.S. History

Hello, gentle readers, it's The Aggie again. I'm here today to talk a little history, which, I'm told, I have a nasty habit of doing. Momma Pug and I sat down the other night and came up with a list of the 10 biggest douches in the history of our great nation, so I'm going to share them with you.

Why me, and not the lady you all pay nothing to read? She's doing something called "work." I know, novel concept.

Some of you may ask where certain people, like our current president or the guy before him, are. Well, there are two reasons they're not on here: I'M NOT PUTTING GWB ON THE DOUCHE LIST, EVER, SO THERE, and honestly, how can you judge someone like Bush or Clinton right now? Their story will be written by historians, not opinion columnists. Their time is not yet here.

Anyway, here's our list:

10: Richard Milhous Nixon, 37th President of the United States
Reason: Ever heard of something called "Watergate?" Nixon got up in front of the nation and said, "Your president is not a crook." Yeah, well he was. He was a paranoid jerk whose contempt for the law brought down a presidency that would have otherwise been well-regarded. After his resignation, he somewhat rebuilt his legacy, but the "douche" label stuck until his death.

9. Jane Fonda, actress/activist
Reason:Well, it has nothing to do with "Monster-in-Law" or her exercise videos. It has everything to do with what earned her her eternal nickname, "Hanoi Jane." Ms. Fonda, in the eyes of many, is a traitor. She went to North Vietnam during the height of hostilities between that nation and the United States and played the useful idiot for the communist regime, going so far as to call our POW's mass murderers and being pictured in an anti-aircraft gun ostensibly being readied to fire at U.S. aircraft. She said that our POWs were treated well (they weren't), that they were never beaten (they were), and called the U.S. a horrible, oppressive, fascist nation. Then she came back and made millions wearing spandex and married Ted Turner.
She has since said she's sorry--for being pictured on the AAA gun. Nothing else.
During Operation Desert Storm, I saw some F-4G Wild Weasel pilots wearing a shirt with their squadron's logo and the caption, "Fuck You, Jane Fonda." I couldn't agree more. What a douche.

8. John Walker Lindh, American Taliban
Reason: See above. You shoot at U.S. troops while they're trying to overthrow a regime who helped facilitate al-Qaida's plans for 9/11? And you're a U.S. citizen? You should swing from the highest tree. A long stay in Leavenworth isn't a bad enough punishment for you, douchebag.

7. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, atomic spies
Reason: Julius and Ethel helped steal the plans for the hydrogen bomb, then turned those plans over to the KGB. This helped Stalin obtain a weapon of horrible destructive power and made the Cold War a whole lot chillier. Communist sympathizers, their treason not only breached the national security of the United States, but ended up being a major reason why trillions of dollars were spent by nations around the world in a mad arms buildup. They were executed in 1951, but nobody applied the "douchebag" logo to them--until now.

6. Nathan Bedford Forrest, Confederate General/Founder of the Klu Klux Klan
Reason:Like you need another? Forrest, a native of Mississippi (sorry, Miss. folk), was known during the war as a tactical genius and a scumbag who gave no quarter to surrendering Union soldiers. His men killed every single one of a unit of black Union soldiers during one massacre. He "improved" on this postwar, by starting the most horrible hate group in American history. Douchebag.

5. James Buchanan, 15th President of the United States
Reason: Not for what he did, but what he didn't do. Buchanan saw the Union fraying at the seams over the issue of slavery and did precisely nothing about it. He decided he'd leave that to the next guy, some fellow named Lincoln. His refusal to act helped lead the nation into the bloodiest conflict in its history, earning him high douchebag points.

4. John Wilkes Booth, actor
Reason: Shot a guy named Lincoln, ending any hope of a less-vengeful Reconstruction. It also meant the rise of hate groups like the KKK, measures against blacks that took nearly a century to repeal and bitterness between north and south that, to some extent, still exists today. He burns in hell now, with the added taunt of "douchebag!" following him all the while.

3. James Earl Carter, 39th President of the Untied States
Reasons:Myriad. Likely the worst president of all time, Carter's pathetic foreign policy led to the downfall of the Shah of Iran and the Iran Hostage Crisis, possibly the most humiliating period in U.S. history. But there was more than that--his abandonment of the Shah and the establishment of the Islamic Republic of Iran led to Shiite Terrorism, which gave the idea to Sunnis, who followed suit. It also led to the Iran-Iraq war, which led to the deaths of millions, the invasion of Kuwait and...well, you get the idea.
But he wasn't done; Carter did nothing to stop the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, oversaw an economy that went through the worst contraction since the Great Depression (while suffering through inflation!) and told Americans it wasn't his fault, it was theirs.
After getting beaten worse than any incumbent president in history by Ronald Reagan in 1980, Carter stopped being an idiot president and became an idiot public citizen. He has public supported Hugo Chavez, condemned Israel and will meet with the leadership of Hamas next month.
Oh, and he called Momma Pug "Little Lady" when she interviewed him. She's taller than he is, but she's not a douchebag. He is.

2. Aaron Burr, third Vice President of the United States
Reasons: Ego, vanity, and a good shooting eye. Burr served in the Continental Army (and then dissed George Washington, enough to get douche points from The Aggie immediately) and congress before becoming Thomas Jefferson's Vice President. He actually got as many electoral votes as Jefferson for the top job (things were different then), but some Federalist votes were switched to Jefferson by Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton hated Jefferson, but hated Burr more--a hatred that ended in a duel, when Burr killed Hamilton.
Charged but acquitted, both in court and in congress, Burr was kicked to the curb by Jefferson in 1804. So what he do? Tried to start his own Kingdom in (what was then) the Southwest U.S. and part of Texas! This qualifies as treason. He was acquitted due to a lack of evidence (more came later), but his arrogance made sure that everyone considered him a douchebag in his lifetime.

1. Benedict Arnold, U.S. General/British General
Reason: Need you ask? TREASON MOST FOUL! A talented general and one of Washington's favorites, Arnold felt that he was overlooked for the glory he deserved (he was) and for the criminal activities he undertook to pad his own wallet when he was military governor of Philadelphia (he wasn't). So, Bennyboy married a Tory, defected to the British and tried to turn West Point and General Washington over to the British. He failed. But he's still the greatest douchebag in our nation's history.