A Few of My Favorite Things

This morning Ripken insisted on going OUTSIDE NOW. And because he takes Deuce everywhere with him, the Silky did his duty and followed Ripken out. Exactly three minutes later it started rain. So Ripken was DONE with that adventure. DONE. But Deuce? Was too busy yapping at the neighbor's dog to be bothered with coming in out of the rain. So while I am wrangling him in Gertrude decides to make a break for freedom. And because Sonny doesn't want to be left out of this clusterfuck he decides to CHASE THE CAT. And I? Chased the pug that was chasing the cat across the super slick deck and was totally wishing I had a taser.

Finally, I manage to restore order to the asylum and settle into watch some television while I catch up on my work e-mails. Much to my delight, "Animal Cops Houston" was on. I like to watch people who are more screwed up than we are and remind myself that I am really NOT A BAD MOTHER.

Today's edition was brought to us from the community of Alvin, a scant five miles from my own home. The close proximity to our Casa de Pug and the fact that they are rescuing animals from a trailer park only heightened my excitement. Just when I think it can't get any better, the SPCA agent turns dramatically to face the camera, totally breaking the third wall, and utters these words: "It looks like we have a primate situation on our hands."

Okay, take that in for a second. I don't think you are fully grasping the situation: They are in a trailer park, not very far from my house AND THEY ARE CHASING A MONKEY. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. THIS is why the good Lord invented television. Also, it is with the trailer-park-monkey revelation that I close my laptop and redirect 100 percent of my attention to the program. Oh, and I start praying that the monkey's owner is a midget. Or at the very least hump-backed and missing all their front teeth.

And it keeps getting better and better… They reveal that there is a child home alone – completely by himself with a monkey, 19 cats, numerous dogs and three donkeys. Oh… and a crucial detail that I nearly left off – the monkey is wearing a diaper. After the SPCA folk befriend the child and, eventually, the monkey, they are able to confiscate the animals with little trouble. Everything gets loaded up into horse trailers and carted back to Houston.

OH! And yet another fun detail! At the entrance to this particular trailer's driveway there was a spray painted sign that looked like it had been scrawled by Charles Manson. It simply read: Pettin' Zoo. I had NO IDEA that a couple of donkeys, mangey dogs and ONE MONKEY IN A DIAPER constituted a "pettin zoo."

Well, to shorten this gloriously looong story, the vet finds that the only thing wrong with the animals is that there are so many of them. After a brief moment of panic – they feared the monkey had Super Scary Contagious Monkey Hepatitis – they discovered the little fellow was well cared for. He was in great shape… for a diaper-wearing-trailer-park-monkey. So a judge ordered the monkey's return! To the trailer park "pettin zoo."

And I? Sat stunned into silence and couldn't help but think that poor monkey was the least strange thing about the whole situation. And as I set among my sleeping brood, fresh in from their adventure in the rain, I couldn't help but feel like understood how that monkey felt. I bet he wished he had a tasor too.

---

I ALMOST FORGOT: During the commercial break, I called my husband and was all like YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS. And he was all like I'M IN A MEETING BUT GO AHEAD. And I'm all like THERE IS A TRAILER PARK MONKEY ON ANIMAL COPS HOUSTON! And he with curiosity peaked but yet still maintaining his professional voice is like PERHAPS YOU SHOULD SET THE DVR TO RECORD THAT SO WE CAN DISCUSS LATER. Which in his nonprofessional voice means SWEET!