Get Over It... Or End Up Here

Hello, gentle readers. Today, I'd like to introduce to a new little segment called Momma Pug's Mail Bag. I'm going to share with you some of the hate mail that I've received so I can publicly deconstruct it and analyze the author's shortcomings. Join me in the fun!

MommaPug,
Your post re: the homeless man that you drive by on the way to your office is offensive. You should consider that he is someone's son and might have mental illness or some other health problem that has forced him into this dire situation. Perhaps instead of passing judgment you could assist the gentle into some of the local charities or other resources. Think before you type!
Peace,
ScarLet

Dear Scarlet,
Gee, that's a nice name. Is that your real name or something you adopted at your first Habitat-for-Humanity meeting? Regardless, I don't think anything could be more appropriate, unless of course you called yourself Red. (Get it, because you are commie touting social programs.) Also. What's with the capital L in your name. Does that symbolize your solidarity with the Little People? Whatever, dude. I'll make a deal with you. You get the 288/Binz Bum to sell his fucking iPod for food and then I'll consider calling the shelter. Otherwise, go fudge yourself, ScarHo. Your judging me is just as bad as my judging the bum. Actually, no it's worse. I don't think the bum is an idiot – just a conman with a taste for vodka. You, my dear, are a dumbass.

Madam:
While I applaud your adopting dogs in need of a home, I do feel I would be remiss if I didn't call you out for the clear mistreatment of your pets, specifically the pug. Once you wrote that your dog consumed over 100 menthol cough drops before you were able to intervene. You stated that you found half-eaten candy in his skin folds for days afterward. This is a mistreatment of that poor dog. As I'm sure you are aware, pugs are susceptible to infection that originates in the moist crevices of their face. This can lead to blindness and breathing problems. I suggest you stop laughing long enough to consider the long term ramifications this could have on your pet. Remember, being a dog-owner requires commitment and dedication.
Always,
Bob, Mission City

Bob:
Did you happen to miss the other blogs where I mention the hubs and I have spent more than $7,000 on Sonny The Pug in the last year. Any time he fucking sneezes we run to the vet. It's gotten so bad that the vet is all like: Dude, he's a pug, they snort, calm down. Also? How can you NOT find it hilarious that a wrinkly little dog managed to open a sealed bag of cough drops, unwrap each individual pieces and consume 100 of them within 15 minutes. THAT is impressive, Bob. Now, its up to you but I suggest calling Guiness World Records and seeing if that's a qualifying time. Otherwise, send an e-mail to PETA and invited them over to dinner tonight – we're having steak. Over a nice bottle of wine (Bartel and James 08), we'll hash out our differences and you can see for yourself how loved the STP is. And then at the end of the night, we'll club you over the head and let the pug have his way with you. Because, yes, I am nice enough to my pug that I don't mind helping him bust a nut, even if that means anally raping you. Dinner is at 7. Don't be late.

Okay, there are two more, but I think I'll save them for a little later. You know, spread my rage out. Oh and let me know if you want to email Scarlet or Bob, I'll be glad you share their emails with you. But for now I must go, I have to sign them both up for kiddie porn and Readers Digest.