Strangest Thing Today, So Far

I work with a deaf lady. She's not completely deaf, but deaf enough that she has been known to do things like answer the phone on your desk and say: "Well, hello! Oh, yes I do like cheese!" Then hang up abruptly and whisper to herself: "My, my, that way a strange question." Something of this sort happens every single day – to the point that it has become an office joke and is thoroughly enjoyed by all, including her.

Well, today, she said the strangest thing to me in all the years the years we have been working together: "Arie, I believe there is a body upstairs by the bathroom. He may be dead."

"What?" I asked.

"Someone is either dead or completely passed out upstairs by the bathroom door."

It actually takes me a minute to realize that this isn't a product of her faulty ears. This is something she has SEEN. Realizing that this person may need help – but not being stupid enough to forget strange things happen in the fourth largest city in the U.S. – I tell her to call the cops and I grab a large umbrella and head to toward the door.

But I am cut off by our Fearless Leader.

(Whew. A sigh of relief. They don't really pay me enough to wrestle with homeless people or check the pulses of corps. This is certainly something for middle management.)

Before we can ascend the stairs to where the body has been spotted, Fearless Leader is met with a staggering, slightly dirty man wearing a white t-shirt, tan shorts and flipflops.

"Can I help you?" Fearless Leader asked.

"Uh, I fell asleep…. I'm leaving now."

Then he proceeded to wobble down the four flights of curved, marble steps.

I was still gripping the umbrella – I figured if he attacked Fearless Leader I could beat the guy until the cops arrived. Or spear him in the eye with it. Or protect us from a sudden down pour or rays of the hot sun. Alas, my weapon wasn't used since the cops arrived and proceeded to follow the guy into the library. We all watched from the class windows along our balcony. One of us might have even pulled out the trusty binoculars to watch the whole scene unfold in high-def.

We're not sure what became of the young man. I'm pretty sure he'd not broken any laws or rules – aside from scaring the crap out of a bunch of women. What I do know is this: Yes, I would pick up my coworker's umbrella and use it to poke a dead body because its dirty, possibly homeless and I don't want scabies. And if it isn't dead, but just a wayward soul, lost in the halls of academia, smelling of last night's beer – I will repeatedly whack them with a giant umbrella until they flee my area.