Something Of An Update

Hello, my illustrious non-readers (and Madge).

I've gotten a couple of nasty emails wondering why I've gone so dark lately. Well, sorry about that, guys. I've been doing this little thing called WORK. For four weekends in a row. I know, very unlike Momma Pug to be soooooo… what's the word... dedicated.

Fear not, gentle readers. My motivation only gets me so far before I'm back on here discussing such life-altering the merits of paper, plastic OR new reusable green canvas bags. (In case you are wondering, I do like the idea of saving the environment with by using canvas bag at the grocery store. However, I do not condone charging people $1 PER BAG! That's just ridiculous. I'm talking to you HEB and Kroger!)

Actually, I've been focusing my creative energy on something that I'm both proud and terrified of. Brace yourself, folks, for these are words I have uttered nary a day in my life (cue dramatic lighting and an extended drumroll): I am ATTEMPTING to write a book.

Operative word being attempting.

Madge, are you listening? Did you get all that? You have been telling me for years to stop effing around and do it. So I am. And it’s the single hardest thing I've every undertaken in my life. WAIT! Not true. Trying to Stop The Fat! is the hardest. Let us hope that this endeavor turns out far more successful that my botched weight loss attempts.

Oh, and on that note, I'd like to share one particularly heated exchange between myself and reader named Jane. (Oh, and every time she says her name I've replaced it with the affectionate term Pig Whore.) Enjoy:

From Pig Whore – June 18 – 1:13 p.m.

MP -- Should we assume your half assed going on a diet is over? You have not talking about it much. What happened? Did you give up? I figured you would. Most fat people do. If fats had the will power to lose the weight, then they wouldn't be fat in the first place. Even if you did fail, and we know you did, then it would be better to acknowledge that rather than just ignore that you said anything to begin with.
Thanks, Pig Whore

From Momma Pug – June 18 – 3:57 p.m.

Pig Whore,
You are correct. My "half assed diet" isn't going so well. I have only lost nine pounds in the last three months. The doctor thinks its because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). That's this disease that makes you infertile, retain water, grow a beard and gain weight. It’s a hormone thing. And it's horrible. I also have something called Fibromyalgia, and there are days that my body hurts so bad that I can't get of the bed. Fibro also causes migraine-like headaches and irritable bowel syndrome. Chronic diarrhea is only slightly more inconvenient than the unsightly facial hair. OH! And both of these disorders cause depression. So if you're not feeling bad enough about looking like Big Foot and shitting like a goose, then you also get the privilege of being manic. I know you probably didn't know all that, Jane. In fact, you are probably a very nice, compassionate person in real life. The thing about the Web is that computers take the element of personal contact out the equation. People forget that they are talking to someone who is just like them – full of emotions and feelings that are easily hurt. So while I'm sure you are a very nice lady, its nearly impossible for me to see you as anything but a hypocritical, snobby bitch with bigoted ideas about people who have weight problems. Would you write a cancer patient and tell them the reason they are sick is because they are lazy and if they weren't lazy they wouldn't be sick anymore. So the cancer is their fault???
You are welcome,
Momma Pug

From Pig Whore – June 19 – 12:14 a.m.

MP, Nice of you to send an empassioned note. Must have hit a nerve, huh? I understand you have some very serious medical problems. Even more reason to loose the weight. Have you tried Weight Watchers? Also, I would never say such things to people with cancer. Its probably just bad genes. They can't help what they have inherited.
Pig Whore

From Momma Pug – June 19 – 8:05 a.m.

Pig Whore, wow. You are one clueless piece of work! Pig Whore, are you a robot? Or just an idiot? (Also? Empassioned is not a word. Its impassioned.)

From Pig Whore – June 19, 2008 – 8:29 a.m.

MP, I am not a robot.

From Momma Pug – June 19 – 9:15 a.m.

So that makes you an 'empassioned' idiot?

From Pig Whore – June 19 – 10:47 a.m.

I guess, if I'm not a robot and that's the only other option, then I am an empassioned idiot.

From Momma Pug – June 19 – 2:09 p.m.

Well put, Pig Whore. Well put in deed.