Things That Make Me Want To Drink

Dear AT&T U-verse (our cable provider):

Consider this letter fair warning. Tonight is the season finale of Showtime's "The Tudors," and I have it on good authority (namely, history) that Anne Boylen gets her head chopped off tonight. Yes, I realize that its not much of a cliffhanger since we all know historically Henry VIII has six wives and, well, she's just number two. So its not that I'm not being left hanging in the dark if your services continue to malfunction. However, I do feel you should be forewarned that I am in the FUCKING MIDDLE of the program and the axe is about to come down on Anne's neck, that I will completely loose my shit if this is the instance you choose to LOCK UP yet again.

Oh, sorry, let me elaborate. By LOSE MY SHIT, I mean that I won't just call customer service. I mean, I WILL call them, but my tirade won't end there. Oh no. By the time I am finished every member of the AT&T U-verse family will feel my wrath – from the CEO down to the guy who cleans the shitters. No one will be spared. (And I dare not mention my methods of retribution for fear of violating international terrorism laws.)

I just want you to that you have been PUT ON NOTICE, AT&A U-verse. I'm tired of your shit and I'm on the verge of throwing all your clothes out onto the front lawn and changing the locks on the front door. Don't think I'm capable of it? Just ask the MacBook Pro. He'll tell you something like: "Yeah, man, that sucks. You should have totally signed a prenup." Then he'll recommend a nice lawyer that handled his sister's divorce.

So be advised. I'm waiting patiently for you to reboot, get your shit together and STOP ACTING LIKE A 13 YEAR OLD. Other wise, Momma Pug's midlife crisis is going to be an affair with Direct TV or Time Warner. Don't make me have this discussion with you again.