An Open Letter To The National Hurricane Center

Dear National Hurricane Center,

Hi! We've not met, but I feel as though we know each other. You see, I've spent my entire life living in various parts of the southern United States that are affected by tropical weather. Because of that, every hurricane season for 28 years you have blown into my life, providing warnings, forecasts, and flood and wind damage reports. Mostly useful stuff, right? Well, that's what I thought until I figured out you are responsible for naming the storms.

My curiosity was peaked for the first time this year when Tropical Storm Edouard blew through Houston. Being in the public relations business and having to issue releases that mentioned the storm made me take a closer look at spelling and consistency. I sat in no less than two meetings with top-level executives trying to figure out what the correct spelling was. "Eduard," one argued. "But the Chronicle has it as Eduardo," said another, holding up the newspaper. "No, they spelled it wrong," the highest ranking person said, "Its Edouardo."

They were all wrong. Even the Houston Chronicle, which serves one of the largest markets in the U.S. A market – might I add – that is largely Hispanic. And if the spelling of your Hispanic-sounding name confuses the Spanish-speaking locals, then perhaps you should reconsider. What the hell is wrong with Edward? Just plain old Edward. No fancy "o" and "u" spelling.

And I had hoped all that was done with. I'd convinced myself that this hurricane season was winding down without so much as a Category One hitting the Gulf Coast. Oh, but no! How wrong I was! Now I find myself watching the Weather Channel, hoping and praying Hurricane Gustav makes a turn toward the Yucatan, thus sparing me from a potential loss of power and what will no doubt become countless meetings on the correct spelling of the storm's name.

And frankly, I'm tiring of storms with fruity names. When someone says, "Gustav will likely hit the Houston/Galveston area," I picture a temperamental Austrian composer/violinist violently whacking the Galveston bay with their horsehair bow and screaming: "What did mummy tell you about wire clothes hangers!" But that's not even the saddest thing! Gustav isn't even the fruitiest name on the list!

No that honor is brought to you by the letter "N."

I'm sorry, but who is going to respect Hurricane Nana? That's like saying, "Florida is bracing for Hurricane Grandma, which is expected to make land fall early tomorrow morning." How much trouble can he feeble old storm cause with her walker and bingo cards? Is this Hurricane Nana going to wear depends and sometimes forget which George Bush is president? Is the storm going to wear dentures and nap most of the day?

Below is the official 2008 Hurricane Names List (and my commentary):

• Arthur – Nothing wrong with the name, but it does make think of "King Arthur and the Sword in the Stone," a fine Disney cartoon.
  
  
• Bertha – Again, nothing wrong with the spelling of the name. However, I find it conjures up the image of a scary massage therapist who likes to thrust her elbow into unsuspecting patients kidney just to hear them yelp.
  
  
• Cristobal – Another of the really fruity names. I am compelled to call it: Crystal Ball.
  
  
• Dolly – You should have seen the tits on this storm.
  
  
• Edouard – Disscussed above.
  
  
• Fay – I have nothing snarky to say on this one.
  
  
• Gustav – See above.
  
  
• Hanna – Makes me think of Hannah Montana, which I would like to see be swept away by a catastrophic event.
  
  
• Ike – The first in presidential names, perhaps? I suggest we stop naming the nuclear warships after our presidents and instead honor them through the names of hurricanes and venereal diseases.
  
  
• Josephine – I'm rather fond of this name, actually. Just not for a hurricane.
  
  
• Kyle – Sounds like a member of the Backstreet Boys.
  
  
• Laura - Honoring the first lady. Be only the lookout next year for Hurricane Hillary. (Get it, because she want me president?)
  
  
• Marco – Polo.
  
  
• Nana – From the namers of Memaw, Nanny, Yaya and Grams.
  
  
• Omar – Was the name of the tent maker in one of my father's favorite jokes.
  
  
• Paloma – Is this a type of horse breed?
  
  
• Rene – A French hurricane. It actually surrenders before landfall.
  
  
• Sally – Makes me think of a girl in a poodle skirt.
  
  
• Teddy – Even less frightening than Nana.
  
  
• Vicky – I have never met anyone named Vicky that I liked. So perhaps this is a good one?
  
  
• Wilfred – Who cares, we rarely get this far anyway.
  

I think you can see, National Hurricane Center, that you need to work on your naming conventions. Might I suggest next year's list be stupid baby names that celebrities give their children? This list could be generated by Angelina and Brad's children alone. Just something to consider.

Sincerely, a loyal follower,

Momma Pug