Human occupants:
- Momma Pug
- The Aggie
- Madge (bosom buddy)
- The Razorback (her husband)
- Madgette (her clone/spawn)
- Annyong (their Korean exchange student)
- Tree (new mother/college friend/Katrina survivor)
- P.Daddy (her husband)
- Grump (father-in-law who was only present about half the time, but I think it still counts)
Animal occupants:
- Gertrude (our disenfranchised cat)
- Ripken (our giant fuzzy lapdog)
- Sonny the Pug (needs no introduction)
- Deuce (our Silky terrorist)
- Blaze (Madge's 10-year-old Schnauzer)
- Lady Belle (Madge's 1-year old toy Schnauzer/Deuce's girlfriend/antichrist)
- Boomer (Tree and P.Daddy's 's cat that hid under a Dallas church for an hour while they crawled around on their hands and knees begging for her to COME OUT RIGHT THE HELL NOW.)
- Rune (Tree's old, calm, mildly retarded cat/Katrina survivor)
- Clemy (three-week-old kitten that died in our house after the STUPID, CARELESS VET DROPPED HER)
I don’t' think I have to say this, but just for the record: I AM OVER HURRICANE IKE. O-V-E-R it. Over it like K-Fed is over Britney.
So many things happened during the last four days. Evil things that name shall not be spoken. It's too fresh... too raw to discuss yet. So why don't we focus on the parts that don't make me want to put my head in an oven.
I give you Part One of "Hurricane Ike: The Post Storm Chaos."
The Germ
Poor little Madgette was stricken with strep throat this weekend. She cried, puked and was feverishly miserable for two days. Everyone spent those 48 hours spraying Lysol in their mouths and bathing in Clorox. I couldn't help myself, though. Madgette was even CUTER when she was sick. Her momma and I threw caution to the window and allowed her to break the three-foot rule and come near us. That's not to say we didn't disinfect ourselves compulsively. Because one of us made the child go get a replacement straw for our drink after she put her tiny little germy mouth on it. And that person? Was not me.
And I would have felt WAY sorrier for Madgette if she weren't a total banshee to give medicine too. I know I exaggerate for the sake of a story sometimes, but you are going to just have to trust me on this: Madgette was a holy terror. Her mother and I literally had to throw ourselves on top of her, hold her nose and force the liquid antibiotic down her throat. That's about 500 pounds of surly southern woman on top of a 45 pound child. And do you know what? That little shit got the best of us for about an hour. Through her fever and puking she kicked and fought and assaulted us for the better part of a morning before we gave up. You should have seen the look on Madgette's face. It was all I HAVE WON. THEY ARE BEATEN. I AM GIRL, HEAR ME ROAR! GRRRRRRR!
It was during her excessive celebration that Madge and I locked eyes for an instant and totally knew we had her. She was off guard and if we struck together that we could over come her. So as Madgette spiked the ball and was snaking across the end zone doing her victory dance, I tackled her, wrapped my arms and legs around Madgette and held her to the couch. As she opened her mouth to protest, her mother clipped her fingers on the child's nose and squirted the medicine down the back of throat. Like you do for an angry cat. In the next instant Madgette had suddenly stilled and I though for a minute OH MY GOD WE KILLED HER. Then she looked up at us very sweetly – and I shit you not -- she said, "Well that wasn't so bad was it?" Like we were ones fighting her and she had just gotten us to take the medicine.
Now if you will, imagine you are the poor, sweet exchange student who had only been in the states a total of three weeks before descending into the madness of a bunch of southern women in the midst of natural disaster/caring for a sick child. And imagine you are sitting in the corner watching two large women wrestle this tiny, sick girl to the ground and pour drugs into her body while she screams like she's being water boarded. I know she must have been horrified. And I don't blame her one bit. Because I realize now that teaching elementary school children has prepared Madge for an excellent career manning the "interrogation" room at Guantanamo.
So many things happened during the last four days. Evil things that name shall not be spoken. It's too fresh... too raw to discuss yet. So why don't we focus on the parts that don't make me want to put my head in an oven.
I give you Part One of "Hurricane Ike: The Post Storm Chaos."
The Germ
Poor little Madgette was stricken with strep throat this weekend. She cried, puked and was feverishly miserable for two days. Everyone spent those 48 hours spraying Lysol in their mouths and bathing in Clorox. I couldn't help myself, though. Madgette was even CUTER when she was sick. Her momma and I threw caution to the window and allowed her to break the three-foot rule and come near us. That's not to say we didn't disinfect ourselves compulsively. Because one of us made the child go get a replacement straw for our drink after she put her tiny little germy mouth on it. And that person? Was not me.And I would have felt WAY sorrier for Madgette if she weren't a total banshee to give medicine too. I know I exaggerate for the sake of a story sometimes, but you are going to just have to trust me on this: Madgette was a holy terror. Her mother and I literally had to throw ourselves on top of her, hold her nose and force the liquid antibiotic down her throat. That's about 500 pounds of surly southern woman on top of a 45 pound child. And do you know what? That little shit got the best of us for about an hour. Through her fever and puking she kicked and fought and assaulted us for the better part of a morning before we gave up. You should have seen the look on Madgette's face. It was all I HAVE WON. THEY ARE BEATEN. I AM GIRL, HEAR ME ROAR! GRRRRRRR!
It was during her excessive celebration that Madge and I locked eyes for an instant and totally knew we had her. She was off guard and if we struck together that we could over come her. So as Madgette spiked the ball and was snaking across the end zone doing her victory dance, I tackled her, wrapped my arms and legs around Madgette and held her to the couch. As she opened her mouth to protest, her mother clipped her fingers on the child's nose and squirted the medicine down the back of throat. Like you do for an angry cat. In the next instant Madgette had suddenly stilled and I though for a minute OH MY GOD WE KILLED HER. Then she looked up at us very sweetly – and I shit you not -- she said, "Well that wasn't so bad was it?" Like we were ones fighting her and she had just gotten us to take the medicine.
Now if you will, imagine you are the poor, sweet exchange student who had only been in the states a total of three weeks before descending into the madness of a bunch of southern women in the midst of natural disaster/caring for a sick child. And imagine you are sitting in the corner watching two large women wrestle this tiny, sick girl to the ground and pour drugs into her body while she screams like she's being water boarded. I know she must have been horrified. And I don't blame her one bit. Because I realize now that teaching elementary school children has prepared Madge for an excellent career manning the "interrogation" room at Guantanamo.
2 comments:
Don't forget the piles, the Korean rules for Uno, and Pug Search and Rescue. Good times, good times . . .
It's a good thing we didn't come we would have been sleeping with the pug. I see I am not the only germ freak in this crazy Franklin County clan. Lysol is my friend.:)
-Catfish
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