Right now – this very moment – I am sitting with an epinephrine shot in my lap. I've not taken it yet, and my breathing seems to be less labored. I'm thinking this will pass. If this post ends mid-sentence, you will know that I have succumbed and am in full anaphylactic shock. Maybe dead. (If this is the case, I've promised all my gorgeous pumps that I no longer wear to Texas Barbie.) But if this post ends well, then never mind. Perhaps I will live to strut another day.
So this morning, after a battle royal, I convinced the husband to come with me to work today and get his annual flu shot. We're around a shitload of infants and pregnant people and its just the responsible thing to do. Besides, who wants the damn flu? After all, it’s a silent killer – like high blood pressure, cancer and Aspartame. (Kidding about the Aspartame. Unless of course I die from OD-ing on Diet Cokes, which if were a liquor I would have a permanent membership at the Betty.)
But I digress.
When you're getting the flu shot in an non-clinic setting like we were, you kind of get herded through like cattle. Only you're cattle with paperwork. You sign up, then sign in, then sign away your rights to sue 'em if you die from the flu shot. Then they ask you a bunch of questions: Are you pregnant? No. Have you been sick or had a fever within the last 48 hours? No. Are you allergic to eggs or chicken feathers? No.
It wasn't until I was in front of the nurse and the needle was in my arm that I was all WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT BIT ABOUT CHICKENS?
And she said, in a very un-amused voice, "It says here that you are NOT allergic to eggs, chicken feathers or chicken meat. And THAT is your signature."
Silently I began searching my memory banks. Something about chicken is ringing a bell, but I can't recall what exactly. I start checking fears/allergies off my mental list. Other than a ridiculous fear of eggs, I can't think of every being told I'm allergic to chickens. Because, dude, I eat poultry all the time, so I can't be, right? Before I even have time to settle things in my brain, I am pushed out of the time and heading back to the office.
Not two minutes later I start sneezing and itching and wheezing. My eyes are watering and the inside of my ears and mouth itch like crazy. So itch, in fact, that I just had to have a talk with myself about not shoving a pair of scissors into my ear to scratch a particular unrelenting patch of irritation deep inside my right ear canal. I opted not to risk adding traumatic brain injury to my list of ailments.
Everyone in the office is saying it’s a bad allergy day, so I'm hoping that's what it is. However, when I got back to my desk, I pulled out a piece of paper with my most recent allergy test results on it. There was a HUGE red checkmark next to the entry for chicken feathers. OOPS.
Suddenly things start coming to me. I had an itch fit last year after I took the flu shot. Yes! And I had cold symptoms for a week. And I said NEVER AGAIN WILL I TAKE YOU, FLU SHOT. NEVER AGAIN. Then there is a note on those allergy test results that’s says if there is a shortage of flu shots that I am considered a priority patient and should have one because of potential respirtory issues related to allergies and asthma. Okay, confliction much, doc? Then there is a note under that one that says: Better to take the flu shot and risk a minor reaction than go without. Take your EpiPen with you when you get the flu shot.
Anyone want to take bets on my forgetting about this again and repeating this little dance for the fourth year in a row? I believe they call that SURE MONEY.
So this morning, after a battle royal, I convinced the husband to come with me to work today and get his annual flu shot. We're around a shitload of infants and pregnant people and its just the responsible thing to do. Besides, who wants the damn flu? After all, it’s a silent killer – like high blood pressure, cancer and Aspartame. (Kidding about the Aspartame. Unless of course I die from OD-ing on Diet Cokes, which if were a liquor I would have a permanent membership at the Betty.)
But I digress.
When you're getting the flu shot in an non-clinic setting like we were, you kind of get herded through like cattle. Only you're cattle with paperwork. You sign up, then sign in, then sign away your rights to sue 'em if you die from the flu shot. Then they ask you a bunch of questions: Are you pregnant? No. Have you been sick or had a fever within the last 48 hours? No. Are you allergic to eggs or chicken feathers? No.
It wasn't until I was in front of the nurse and the needle was in my arm that I was all WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT BIT ABOUT CHICKENS?
And she said, in a very un-amused voice, "It says here that you are NOT allergic to eggs, chicken feathers or chicken meat. And THAT is your signature."
Silently I began searching my memory banks. Something about chicken is ringing a bell, but I can't recall what exactly. I start checking fears/allergies off my mental list. Other than a ridiculous fear of eggs, I can't think of every being told I'm allergic to chickens. Because, dude, I eat poultry all the time, so I can't be, right? Before I even have time to settle things in my brain, I am pushed out of the time and heading back to the office.
Not two minutes later I start sneezing and itching and wheezing. My eyes are watering and the inside of my ears and mouth itch like crazy. So itch, in fact, that I just had to have a talk with myself about not shoving a pair of scissors into my ear to scratch a particular unrelenting patch of irritation deep inside my right ear canal. I opted not to risk adding traumatic brain injury to my list of ailments.
Everyone in the office is saying it’s a bad allergy day, so I'm hoping that's what it is. However, when I got back to my desk, I pulled out a piece of paper with my most recent allergy test results on it. There was a HUGE red checkmark next to the entry for chicken feathers. OOPS.
Suddenly things start coming to me. I had an itch fit last year after I took the flu shot. Yes! And I had cold symptoms for a week. And I said NEVER AGAIN WILL I TAKE YOU, FLU SHOT. NEVER AGAIN. Then there is a note on those allergy test results that’s says if there is a shortage of flu shots that I am considered a priority patient and should have one because of potential respirtory issues related to allergies and asthma. Okay, confliction much, doc? Then there is a note under that one that says: Better to take the flu shot and risk a minor reaction than go without. Take your EpiPen with you when you get the flu shot.
Anyone want to take bets on my forgetting about this again and repeating this little dance for the fourth year in a row? I believe they call that SURE MONEY.
1 comments:
We begin giving the flu shot this year on october 6th. 700 little ladies call or come in each day with their little insurance cards in hand asking when we are going to start. It is like a social event for them. They all go and have lunch, pile into someone's cadillac and come storming in to see me. Such a lovely time of year as the leaves fall, you go into shock and the little old ladies come buzzing in droves. We are getting old dude!! Halley
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