Madge(ical) Uprising

So poor Madge and her entire family are still without the modern wonders that are telephone, cable television and Internet services. This outage has now entered the fourth week was been brought to them courtesy of Hurricane Ike, the storm that just keeps on giving.

This weekend, I spent all of Saturday with Madge and her crew. (We had a yard sale and actually made $35! That was way more than I expected. Plus we got rid of about 65 percent of our crap. Score Team Pug!) By the late afternoon we'd had lunch and done some shopping. We were returning from the thrift store when Madge suddenly slammed on the brakes, threw the car into park, leaped out and ran like a gazelle through her neighbor's yard. We all just sat there in the car wondering what the hell could possibly elicit such a reaction. Then we saw it: A Comcast repair guy and his truck.

We watched from the safety of Madge's driveway while she and her neighbor had what seemed to be a passionate exchange with the cable guy. Arms flew wildly in the air as if to demonstrate exactly how HUGE A PAIN IN THE ASS THIS SITUATION WAS. Occasionally high pitched, primal sounds floated our way. I thought for a minute that Madge and her neighbor might pounce on the guy, immobilize the poor man, then drag him back for the pack the terrorize a bit more before making him watch us eat his spleen.

Alas, Madge moped back over to the group and pondered for a moment as if she was trying to figure out how to tell us that our favorite dog, a 15-year-old Cokapoo, had just been squished by an 18-wheeler. (And not only was the Cokapoo dead, but he never really loved us at all. In fact, he was planning on leaving us for the Smiths down the street because they have a swimming pool and serve Science Diet.) Are you getting the kind of heavy moment that lay on us? When Madge finally spoke, it was in a quiet, small voice, which is no small feat for Madge. She leaned down to be eye level with Madgette and took Annyong's hand.

"Girls, its going to be four more weeks before we get television, phones and the Internet back."

When she said the word Internet, her voice wobbled and I knew she was experiencing the same sort of pain they girls were about to endure.

For the next few moments we all stood really still and waited. No one reacted. No one said anything. We just all stood there and stared at each other like someone had just farted in a phone booth with us and we were trying to figure out who was the culprit. After a while, we loaded back up in the car went on about life. We went to the fabric store and got material for the girl's Renaissance Festival garbs. On the way home we stopped at Sonic and ordered drinks.

As we were pulling back onto the street, it seemed like realization of some form crept in. Tension suddenly hung in the air and it was one of those moments when you just KNOW something is about to happen. A heartbeat later, Annyong spoke:

"Mom, I am sorry, but I do no understand. They say no In-tar-neet for four weeks?" Annyong asked.

"That's what they said," Madge replied, gripping the steering with so tight that her knuckles turned colors.

"Oh," Annyong said softly. Then the hamster came off the wheel and the young girl broke a little inside. "Wait!" she bellowed. "That is one whole another month! I do no know why! Why they can do this so long? How hard is to get only In-tar-neet? Mom? Why? How talk to my mother and friend? How we go so long? I am sorry, but I do no understand."

Before Madge could open her mouth, Madgette screamed from the back of the Yukon: "Wait a minute! You mean there isn't any Webkins for ANOTHER month?" (For those of you unfamiliar, Webkins are stuffed animals that have a site on the web where you can play games to earn points to keep them clothed and pet. Madgette is addicted to this Internet life of hers in the same kind of way an Emo kid is into Dungeons and Dragons.)

Well, everyone has a point at which they boil. As children, when our mother reached that crucial level, my sisters and I called it The Point Of No Return. Everyone's point is set at different temperatures, and I must admit that the older Madge gets the higher that number becomes. She's mellowed out considerably.

On Saturday, those two girls and their constant whining got the better of Madge and I knew when I looked into her eyes that the next child with a comment on how UNBEARABLE LIFE IS, would die a thousand deaths at her hand.

I don’t know if it was the language barrier or just the antics of a whining teenager, but Annyong was the first to open her mouth. "Mom? I do no understand how this is possible!"

"Oh my gawd! It's because a giant storm blew through here and knocked a giant tree down on private property and now they're just getting to fixing it. A lot of people lost their homes, their lives were destroyed. This isn't so bad compared to them."

I'm pretty sure Annyong has no idea what Madge said, however, she deciphered the tone correctly. She sat back and didn't speak again for a while. In the meantime, Madge looked over at me and gently whispered: You know what? I'm dying without the Internet too. We all have get a grip before someone does something drastic."

And just then, in that moment, I realized that if electronic entertainment isn't reintroduced into Madge's household soon, then "Lord of the Flies" type society was going to develop And I'm pretty sure that Madgette would be the one holding the conch shell – or bloody saber – at the end of the day. I think we can all agree that we don’t want that. So please, Comcast, fix their shit before innocents die! Please!