The holidays are upon us, Internet.
And you know what that means... It's also the Holiday Drinking Season. Just think, all across America, millions of people are using booze to take the edge off uncomfortable family gatherings. I don't know about you, but I am proud to be a part of such a time honored family tradition.
Personally, I don't depend just on the drinky poohs to get me by. I like to up my daily intake of nerve pills to a level I call the Family Holiday/Crisis Dose. You'd be surprised what an extra 25 milligrams of Prozac and three glasses of Chardonnay do for your nerves.
I've found that over the years the key to a successful holiday season is being able to constantly maintain a level of intoxication that is just one rung below sloppy-messy-drunk and one step higher than slight buzz. Getting to this point isn't that difficult. Its maintaining the level that's tricky.
If you don't drink quite enough and everyone becomes suddenly so annoying that you want to revert to your sophomore year in college and bar fight your way through the dining room. Don't drink enough and you just get sleepy, pissy and ready to punch someone in the mouth.
Which is only slightly better than going too far with your self-medication...
One too many sips of vino and you're crying and talking so fast that you forgo natural pausing. It goes something like this:
So here's to maintaining that appropriate level of excess this holiday season. May we not repeat the infamous Christmas Eve Debacle of '73.
And you know what that means... It's also the Holiday Drinking Season. Just think, all across America, millions of people are using booze to take the edge off uncomfortable family gatherings. I don't know about you, but I am proud to be a part of such a time honored family tradition.
Personally, I don't depend just on the drinky poohs to get me by. I like to up my daily intake of nerve pills to a level I call the Family Holiday/Crisis Dose. You'd be surprised what an extra 25 milligrams of Prozac and three glasses of Chardonnay do for your nerves.
I've found that over the years the key to a successful holiday season is being able to constantly maintain a level of intoxication that is just one rung below sloppy-messy-drunk and one step higher than slight buzz. Getting to this point isn't that difficult. Its maintaining the level that's tricky.
If you don't drink quite enough and everyone becomes suddenly so annoying that you want to revert to your sophomore year in college and bar fight your way through the dining room. Don't drink enough and you just get sleepy, pissy and ready to punch someone in the mouth.
Which is only slightly better than going too far with your self-medication...
One too many sips of vino and you're crying and talking so fast that you forgo natural pausing. It goes something like this:
I wish it were 1987 and my grandfather was still alive because then life was pure and simple and I still believed in Santa and anything was possible, all my dreams could still come true and things aren't the same anymore, Papaw's gone and life is complicated and I have to actually work for a living, which is totally unfair because I was going to be a princess or an Olympic ice skater or Miss America but now I'm just average, normal and boring -- I AM ORDINARY! (Cue uncontrollable sobbing.)Which results in being led away by someone -- usually a spouse -- and put to bed to "sleep it off." Then the family spends the rest of the afternoon saying things like: "Oh, they're just under so much stress at work." Or, "They forgot to take her medicine this morning." Or, "Sorry, guys, it's their time of the month."
So here's to maintaining that appropriate level of excess this holiday season. May we not repeat the infamous Christmas Eve Debacle of '73.
2 comments:
I am hosting my in-laws. drinks are encouraged to tolerate the crazy...
What about those of us that aren't avid drinkers...I tend to err on the side of not enough sleep. That way I am too lazy to worry about what's going on. Bonus is with the bloodshot eyes and dark bags under the eyes they think you are drunk. BTW I'm still trying to find a way to combat the "other" side's crazyiness..you KNOW what I mean ;) - P
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