Momma Pug is in a funk. Yesterday, I came home from work all achy and grumpy. All I wanted to do was cut out a pattern, pin it together and stich'er up. But I couldn't find my good scissors. They had vanished from my sewing box, and despite our feverish attempts to locate them, I had to use my crappy backup scissors. Which is like going from the driving elegance of a Porsche Roadster to not letting your foot all the way off the gas at red lights so your Ford Tempo doesn't die while idling (true story.) Yesterday taking the leap from terrific to shitastic scissors was just too much. I sat on the couch and cried over the loss.
I don't know if it's the approaching holidays. Or maybe just the fact that it's dark out 90 percent of the time I'm not in my office working, but something has me drifting on the dark side of the moon. Perhaps I need a little extra something from Mama's Little Helper. Whatever the reason, I've been all gloomy and twisted up on the inside. So I thought I'd give myself a bit of a mental facelift by updating on some of our favorite characters. Its been quite a while since we heard from them, so I think its long overdue.
Bum At Highway 288/Benz
Well, our good friend the "homeless" man has been up to his usual tricks. He's still standing at the corner holding his sign and wearing his iPod. This week, however, he took it up a notch. Usually his sign just proclaims him to be a down-on-his-luck veteran in search of a hot meal. Well, not one to let an opportunity pass him by, the bum has added some new "descriptions" to his sign: Hurricane Ike! Galveston! Home Lost!
Yeah, right. So you're saying that in addition to being a clean, iPod wearing bum, you also walked 35 miles each way every day to hold your sign? And what do you mean "Home Lost!"? What home? I thought you were HOMELESS? Isn't that a key point of homelessness? If so, how is it possible to have lost a home you never had? Dude, I'm being to think you're just a liar. A really, really bad liar.
Look Mr. Bum, I know you're not targeting me directly, but you are managing to annoy me every single day on way to work. AND when I was carpooling with a dude that had his doors off his Jeep until this weekend, you made it tad uncomfortable to stop at that intersection. Call me crazy, but I just felt better having that slight barrier between my world and yours.
Pig Whore
Oh, Pig Whore, it's been a while. I'm sorry you chose today to email me yet again regarding my posting your "private" emails to my "stupid, immature Web site." I particular like the line where you accuse me of "slandering" you. Allow me to quote, "You are not smart enough to realize that this is a legal violation of my privacy. I can and will sue you for putting those letters on the internet. It another way you violated me."
Pig Whore, you might want to print this out for future reference. Or at the very least, take notes. First of all, I haven't slandered you. Slandering is SPOKEN. Libeling is when the offending statements are written or depicted in images. So go ahead save us both some trouble and sue me for the right thing.
Regardless, you have not been slandered. Slander is defined as "communication of a statement that makes a false claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may give an individual, business, product, group, government or nation a negative image." I have not even identified you as anyone other than Pig Whore. I've never used your real name. Nor have I made any false claims or implied things are factual that are not. I have never said or written things to portray you in a negative light. Keep in mind that YOU wrote those e-mails, Pig Whore. If YOU feel as though they were a negative representation, then I suggest you sue yourself.
Okay, so lets work on your terminology. I'm not positive, but I suspect you have consulted the Cliffnotes version of "Slander for Dummies." Bless your little heart, you're trying so hard to use those grown up words, but its just not coming out right. For example, can you please explain how can something be a "legal violation"? If an act is in violation of the law, then doesn't that make it illegal?
Pig Whore, I rest my case.
Bum At Highway 288/Benz
Well, our good friend the "homeless" man has been up to his usual tricks. He's still standing at the corner holding his sign and wearing his iPod. This week, however, he took it up a notch. Usually his sign just proclaims him to be a down-on-his-luck veteran in search of a hot meal. Well, not one to let an opportunity pass him by, the bum has added some new "descriptions" to his sign: Hurricane Ike! Galveston! Home Lost!
Yeah, right. So you're saying that in addition to being a clean, iPod wearing bum, you also walked 35 miles each way every day to hold your sign? And what do you mean "Home Lost!"? What home? I thought you were HOMELESS? Isn't that a key point of homelessness? If so, how is it possible to have lost a home you never had? Dude, I'm being to think you're just a liar. A really, really bad liar.
Look Mr. Bum, I know you're not targeting me directly, but you are managing to annoy me every single day on way to work. AND when I was carpooling with a dude that had his doors off his Jeep until this weekend, you made it tad uncomfortable to stop at that intersection. Call me crazy, but I just felt better having that slight barrier between my world and yours.
Pig Whore
Oh, Pig Whore, it's been a while. I'm sorry you chose today to email me yet again regarding my posting your "private" emails to my "stupid, immature Web site." I particular like the line where you accuse me of "slandering" you. Allow me to quote, "You are not smart enough to realize that this is a legal violation of my privacy. I can and will sue you for putting those letters on the internet. It another way you violated me."
Pig Whore, you might want to print this out for future reference. Or at the very least, take notes. First of all, I haven't slandered you. Slandering is SPOKEN. Libeling is when the offending statements are written or depicted in images. So go ahead save us both some trouble and sue me for the right thing.
Regardless, you have not been slandered. Slander is defined as "communication of a statement that makes a false claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may give an individual, business, product, group, government or nation a negative image." I have not even identified you as anyone other than Pig Whore. I've never used your real name. Nor have I made any false claims or implied things are factual that are not. I have never said or written things to portray you in a negative light. Keep in mind that YOU wrote those e-mails, Pig Whore. If YOU feel as though they were a negative representation, then I suggest you sue yourself.
Okay, so lets work on your terminology. I'm not positive, but I suspect you have consulted the Cliffnotes version of "Slander for Dummies." Bless your little heart, you're trying so hard to use those grown up words, but its just not coming out right. For example, can you please explain how can something be a "legal violation"? If an act is in violation of the law, then doesn't that make it illegal?
Pig Whore, I rest my case.
5 comments:
Oh, hate email! It has been so long since I have gotten those. I used to do reviews of cd of contemporary classical music online and I was accused of being biased and that I was not being objective. The line that got me in trouble:
"The Bangles with "Walk like an Egyptian did a better job of depicting the ancient world than the XXXXXXXXXXXX Suite for Orchestra by Composer X."
I thought it was funny and completely true, but they threatened to sue and tghe edcitor pulled it. I don't fault him for doing so, it just pissed me off that they said i was not being objective.
too bad she doesn't realize you received a college degree in the art of writing what you want without getting sued.
Wonder if Catfish is feeling this way also? I ask because I am just as down. I climbed into bed at 7:30last night, and Madgette and I were both asleep by 8. It was sit up and be miserable or sleep. Amazing what depression can do...
I can answer that for ya. She has been down too. I don't know if it's the impending DOOM of traveling back to MS and staying on the road for the ENTIRE vacation (as you know nobody in her family celebrates together) or just the normal wear and tear. Possibly it's having to SCHEDULE when we are going to see everybody so that one person doesn't get mad/upset at her because they wanted to go hunting instead of seeing her. (It's not me..I can't stay still long enough to hunt). Alas nobody seems to have the answer...I feel that alcohol in this case may be the answer! -P
I recently had my own experience with the homeless. And don't get me wrong I completely understand people who are down on their luck and have aspects of their lives that are out of control. But a note to Bum at Hwy 288 and Taco Bell 49 Bag Lady... Do like the rest of us: set a clock, get out of bed and take your ass to work to earn money like the rest of us.
And to Pig Whore... If you don't like what is on the web page then you can always quit reading it. Cause I got to say, we ALL are laughing at your silly ass! HA!
Halley
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