An Open Letter To The Skinny Bitch Who Gave Me The Stink Eye Today

Dear Skinny Bitch,

Hi. It's me again – that fat girl you cast a disparaging gaze over this morning. Sorry to be in your way again, I realize that I've already inconvenienced you once today by my mere existence. But there are some things I should have said to you earlier and since I've promised myself not to hold so much in anymore, I'm going to go right ahead and share those thoughts.

First of all, yeah, I noticed The Look you gave me. It was really, really hard to miss. You squinted your eyes up in utter disgust and wrinkled your nose like I'd farted. But I hadn't let one rip, now had I? No, because if I'd farted I'd been giggling and I wasn't laughing now was I? No, I wasn't. So basically you shot me The Look for just existing. My being on this earth inconvenienced you and you couldn't help but give me The Look so I'd know exactly how much my appearance revolted you.

And do you know what, Skinny Bitch? I am mad at myself because I turned the other cheek. I didn't run away crying or punch you in the junk. No, I locked eyes with you and smiled. I SMILED – for the love of melted cheese products – I smiled at you! And do you know why? Probably not, because I'm pretty sure you're not deep enough to consider there are actually reasons behind actions. So let me tell you – I smiled at you because deep down I am still the awkward, fat kid with glasses seeking approval. I hate to give you so much credit, but The Look was able to undo years and years of my self-constructed defenses. You tore me down with that one disapproving glare. And I let you.

I know what some of you other readers are thinking: "Just be the bigger person, Momma Pug. Let it go." You're right. I shouldn't let it bother me one bit, but you know what, I'm human and sometimes -- usually when it's getting close to time for my next dose of Prozac -- I find myself caring. And, lets be honest here, I'm sick and damn tired of being the bigger person. I am always the bigger person. Literally.

So suck it Skinny Bitch.

If I ever see you again, in stead of smiling at you, I will tell you the following:

1. You're really skinny. You're jeans are really tight. We get it you are HOTT with two Ts. Sadly, you also have a camel toe. Which is one of the most disgusting fashion blunders I can think of – unless you are a member of the Jackson family and performing at the Super Bowl.
   
   
2. Your hair was really long and really blond. I'm sure it cost a fortune for all those extensions. But you should also know that it looked kind of like Britney Spears three months after she shaved her head and emerged from rehab: Yes, it was the most expense fake hair in town, but at the end of the day its still just bad weave.
   
   
3. Only porn stars and strippers maintain fake French tipped fingernails as long as you are wearing 'em. You might consider having Ling Ma wrangle it in a bit the next you are having a mani.
   
   
4. Underwear is defined as garments worn under your clothing. Thanks, but we don't need to see your thong straps hanging out. It's not mysterious. It's trashy.
   
   
5. Your boobs are uneven. The right one was bigger. Tell Dr. Rubinstein to look in to that when you're in for your chemical peel next week.
   
   
6. Shoes with clear plastic heals are not meant to see the daylight! If you're not working the pole are going to prom, there is NO REASON FOR CLEAR SHOES.
   
   
7. Your cute little shirt with a Chinese symbol on it translates to "I used to be a man."
   
   
8. The fur-lined designer coat you are wearing? Looks like it is made from Wookiee.

So the next time you give a fat lady the stink eye because you are so much better than she is, go you look in the mirror. Because, Paris? You look like a walking STD.

Cheers,
Momma Pug