25 Random Things

1. I just ate an entire bag of baby carrots. Which I suppose is better than eating an entire bag of miniature Milky Ways.

2. Though I'm only 28 years old, I have been on more diets than 30 diets. None of them worked, except for Weight Watcher, which is what I'm currently doing right now. Thus the bag of baby carrots.

3. My husband and I do "voices" for our animals. Sonny the Pug has a lisp. Deuce giggles a lot. Ripken refers to himself as "hims" instead of using "I" or "my." Gertrude likes to make names up for people that include the word fucker. Ask any of our friends and they'll be all: YES, I AM TREE MCFUCKER AND THIS IS MY FRIEND JEWFUCKER.

4. I recently cut all my hair off and I thought it would upset me, but when the lady snipped it off my only reaction was: WOW, THAT IS LIGHTER. I'm donating the 16 inches of hair to a charity that makes wigs for bald kids because there is no charity that makes wigs for dogs and cats.

5. When I first met my husband I hated his guts and he thought I was a snob. Six months later, a bottle of tequila and an awkward morning forced us to reassess our feelings for each other. Turns out we actually LIKED one another. So we became friends, started dating then got married. In less than a year.

6. My best friend has been the same person since I was five years old. (Hi Madge!) We are codependent and completely unapologetically annoying when we are together. Her moving to Houston makes this enabling relationship run a lot more smoothly.

7. One time, Madge yelled at me and her five-year-old daughter for "being too loud and misbehaving" because we were wrestling on the bed. Later that night, we were riding along with Madgette asleep in the back of the car and she said, in a very soft voice: "You know, when I fussed at yall for being too rowdy… I wasn't mad. I was just jealous that no one was playing with me." And that right there is why I love her so much. Because she is one of the few people in this world that embraces honesty. HONESTY, people. That's right. I'm calling you out, Internet. What's so wrong with being truthful? Nothing that's what.

8. When I'm with Madge's daughter, I am five years old again. Which is better than when we were eight years old, because that year we ran away from the elementary school, and stole a ride on a hot air balloon. My mother? Nearly killed us. Also? It was SO worth it.

9. Everyday I am a little more like my mother. I used to think of myself as my father's daughter, but the older I get the more I see my mother in me.

10. My sisters and I share a startling physical resemblance. That's right. We're three hot looking babes. We also sound so much alike on the phone that our parents cannot tell us apart.

11. I once threatened a strange man sleeping in the building I work with an umbrella. He fled for his life.

12. I have met some interesting people: Earl Weaver (nicest guy), Rudy Giuliani (distant, kind of half-hearted), Yogi Berra (depressingly old), Jimmy Carter (short and bit of a dick), the guys from Three Doors Down (class acts), Dave Winfield (large, slightly intimidating), Ryne Sandberg (youthful), Gaylord Perry (funny and grandfatherly), Rick Perry (his hair is really that good), Ben Affleck (very nice but needs to eat a cheeseburger), Lee Corso (sweet), Kirk Herbstreet (handsome), Mike Tirico (professional), Lance Berkman (disappointing), Afroman (high), Rick Bragg (who my hero – until I met him) and a whole slew of congressmen that think they matter way more than they really do. I've been in the same room as some other cool folks, but I didn't actually have the nerve to talk to them – such as the elder George Bush (seemed kind), Bill Clinton (devastatingly charming) and the Dalai Lama (fun to listen to talk.)

13. I read a lot. Last year I read more than 150 books. My favorites were the Sookie Stackhouse series.

14. I am making rag dolls based on the notes of my great-grandmother. Her dolls were so cute and delicate. Mine, however, are not. Rather than give up on replicating my great-grandmother's art, I have embraced my own abilities and have started my own line of Rag Monsters. Coming to a Website near you soon.

15. I also make flower cakes and diaper wreaths for baby showers. Which I realize is the gayest sentence I have ever typed.

16. And I dabble in graphic design. (Hire me to make your page beautiful!)

17. My favorite smell in the entire world is grass that is so fresh cut that it almost smells like watermelon. This smell accompanies most prevailing memories of my youth.

18. I have kidney stones.

19. I like to bring home strays – animals, people etc. This is something I inherited from my mother. There is a strong gene that makes me take things in and fix them.

20. I am anal, micromanaging and controlling… but just about my work. Not so much about cleanliness or home life stuff, but by god I will produce a perfect product. There will be 1.2575525 centimeters of a border or text will be aligned just so. My bedroom might be a biohazard, but if I'm working on a piece for a client then it will be fucking perfect.

21. I hate heroes who turn out to be total dickwads. So who gives a shit that your favorite baseball player has just been caught doing steroids and schlepping a country music singer half his age! You want to see a hero, go look at your mother. Odds are she worked full time, chased kids all night, kept the dog fed, cleaned up after the entire family – including her husband – and still never drowned you in the bathtub for being an obnoxious, ungrateful child. Now that's something that impresses the hell out of me. Because I? Probably would have held your head underwater until you bubbled.

22. I believe in God, the afterlife, Heaven and Hell. Even if my language sucks and my outlook is sarcastic, I believe in a higher purpose and that life is good only if you're living it right.

23. Ghosts are real. I grew up in a haunted house. There was the figure of an old lady that appeared near our closet. If you don’t believe me, I'll take you there and spend the night then you'll either pretend you didn't see anything or greet the morning a believer.

24. I believe that sometimes I tend to love bad people. Or maybe they're good people but just bad for me. Regardless, I believe that sometimes the only way to rid yourself of a toxic situation is to cut that relationship off all together, just let it fall away for a while. Maybe its like kudzu and grows back eventually or maybe its uprooted and gone forever. Either way, a change is made and a point illustrated. Unfortunately, I have learned that sometimes the only heart you break in these situations is your own.

25. My favorite color is yellow. Like the sun – warming, bright and hopeful.