Internet, there is a television news crew headed to my house! RIGHT NOW! And I am not there to direct the husband in what MUST be cleaned, hidden and removed from site of the cameras.
When I asked how long he had until they arrive, he nonchalantly declared, "Oh, about half-an-hour or 45 minutes."
WHAT? It takes longer than that to prepare our home for its World Debut. We're talking about needing to hire lawn crews, cleaning services and professionals to do hair and makeup. Thirty minutes doesn't give us time to shovel shit under the bed!
So my panicked, last minute instructions for my husband were thus: "Pick the garbage out of the bushes, clean up all the dog piss and iron a shirt."
If you're going to be surrounded by filth and squalor then you might as well look good.
So lets take a poll shall we.
What do you think will happen to Momma Pug's family on national television tonight?
1. Deuce bites the cameraman. On the face. Twice. Then licks him. To death.
2. Sonny the Pug pees and the anchorperson slips and falls in it. Rest of the animals see this an invitation to play and climb on top. A rousing game of King of the Mountain ensues.
3. Ripken becomes overwhelmed that someone is actually visiting and in his attempt to welcome them into our home pounces, breaking fake nails, chipping teeth and destroying several pieces of expensive equipment.
4. My husband gets camera shy, freezes live on air and is only able to utter one-word answers, which makes him sound and awful lot like Forrest Gump but without the clever sayings.
5. More subtly but equally mortifying, one of the dogs will run through the background of the shot carrying my dirty unmentionables that he's just stolen from the laundry basket. Which will instantly become an Internet sensation and I will be known online by new nickname "Granny Panties."
6. Gertrude takes a giant dump in her litter box, then refuses to cover it up because she doesn't like to get her feet dirty. Husband then has to be all, "Sorry I'll be right back. There is some cat poop I have to deal with before the pug eats it."
7. CLEAN SWEEP. ALL OF THE ABOVE.
When I asked how long he had until they arrive, he nonchalantly declared, "Oh, about half-an-hour or 45 minutes."
WHAT? It takes longer than that to prepare our home for its World Debut. We're talking about needing to hire lawn crews, cleaning services and professionals to do hair and makeup. Thirty minutes doesn't give us time to shovel shit under the bed!
So my panicked, last minute instructions for my husband were thus: "Pick the garbage out of the bushes, clean up all the dog piss and iron a shirt."
If you're going to be surrounded by filth and squalor then you might as well look good.
So lets take a poll shall we.
What do you think will happen to Momma Pug's family on national television tonight?
1. Deuce bites the cameraman. On the face. Twice. Then licks him. To death.
2. Sonny the Pug pees and the anchorperson slips and falls in it. Rest of the animals see this an invitation to play and climb on top. A rousing game of King of the Mountain ensues.
3. Ripken becomes overwhelmed that someone is actually visiting and in his attempt to welcome them into our home pounces, breaking fake nails, chipping teeth and destroying several pieces of expensive equipment.
4. My husband gets camera shy, freezes live on air and is only able to utter one-word answers, which makes him sound and awful lot like Forrest Gump but without the clever sayings.
5. More subtly but equally mortifying, one of the dogs will run through the background of the shot carrying my dirty unmentionables that he's just stolen from the laundry basket. Which will instantly become an Internet sensation and I will be known online by new nickname "Granny Panties."
6. Gertrude takes a giant dump in her litter box, then refuses to cover it up because she doesn't like to get her feet dirty. Husband then has to be all, "Sorry I'll be right back. There is some cat poop I have to deal with before the pug eats it."
7. CLEAN SWEEP. ALL OF THE ABOVE.
4 comments:
Poll results:
1. A legitimate concern, so I put Deuce in the bedroom. Didn't happen.
2.Sonny did pee (and poo). Nobody fell in it, thank God.
3.Ripken DID get protective of the house and Hims Daddy and refused to get out of the shot. Ever.
4. DIDN'T HAPPEN. I was erudite and verbose. No one word answers or profanity.
5.Locked the bedroom door, so couldn't happen.
6. Didn't happen. The only defecating was done by STP, and yes, I had to clean it up.
7. Not quite. See us at 4, 5, 6 and 10 on "Houston's News Leader."
I figure someone from the networks will see it. Then they will offer you guys a reality tv show, you will make millions and buy that company, then fire all the assholes who caused the problems to start with. I'd watch it!
Auntie
Didn't know it was gonna happen!!!! Wish I could have seen it. I know it's wonderful! You two are the funniest couple that I know. :)Sherry
I laughed until I cackled like a witch. Cried with laughter. Gained my composer and laughed again. My co-workers even laughed. That is the best damn blog I have ever read! EVER! H.
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