1. Tying to metal pole in the middle of a thunder storm
2. Tossing into the washing machine with some Woolite on gentle cycle
3. Leashing to top of car and running through the touchless carwash
4. Sticking in the dishwasher with an extra dose of spot-free lemon scented Cascade
5. Spraying him liberally with Febreze
This is one of those instances where I wish this blog post was scratch and sniff. Because if you could smell Deuce right now you would totally be like A LITTLE FEBREZE WONT HURT HIM! GO ON PUT HIM IN THE WASHER, JUST LEAVE THE TOP OPEN.
I don't think its possible to overstate what we have termed "The Smell." Deuce is so disgusting that you don't want to touch him in order to actually bathe him. He smells like a homeless person vomited it on a pile of dog shit then rubbed it in their armpits and walked around like that for three days in the sweltering July sun. Imagine that person sitting next to you on a poorly ventilated crowded bus in Miami and he WONT STOP WAVING HIS ARMS IN THE AIR. That is what life with Stinky Deuce has been.
Much to our horror, we cannot seem to identify this mystery odor. The husband searched the backyard for mildewed skunk or a week-old cadaver but a really strong rainstorm last night (see option No. 1) seems to have washed away any malodorous evidence.
Oh, and did I mention that the storm knocked out our power which made it impossible for us to bathe him because it was so freaking dark and apparently we don't own one of those new fangled, modern wonders called a flashlight (see option No. 5). Which left us at the mercy of candles. Lets just say that we managed to not burn the house down. By the time the power was restored it was really late, we were all really hot and sweaty and Deuce went unbathed because his odor kind of just fit in.
I choose to see this as a valuable reminder that we would have made shitty pioneers. And to always pay our electricity bill on time.
Also? Pioneers didn't have the aid of persons in the service industry. Laura Ingles never had someone come over and shampoo the carpets. Thank god the cleaning lady came today because our Little House On The Prairie was starting to resemble Grey Gardens.
(Oh! Just had another splendid addition to my list: 6. Have cleaning lady run the carpet shampooer over Deuce a few times.)
2. Tossing into the washing machine with some Woolite on gentle cycle
3. Leashing to top of car and running through the touchless carwash
4. Sticking in the dishwasher with an extra dose of spot-free lemon scented Cascade
5. Spraying him liberally with Febreze
This is one of those instances where I wish this blog post was scratch and sniff. Because if you could smell Deuce right now you would totally be like A LITTLE FEBREZE WONT HURT HIM! GO ON PUT HIM IN THE WASHER, JUST LEAVE THE TOP OPEN.
I don't think its possible to overstate what we have termed "The Smell." Deuce is so disgusting that you don't want to touch him in order to actually bathe him. He smells like a homeless person vomited it on a pile of dog shit then rubbed it in their armpits and walked around like that for three days in the sweltering July sun. Imagine that person sitting next to you on a poorly ventilated crowded bus in Miami and he WONT STOP WAVING HIS ARMS IN THE AIR. That is what life with Stinky Deuce has been.
Much to our horror, we cannot seem to identify this mystery odor. The husband searched the backyard for mildewed skunk or a week-old cadaver but a really strong rainstorm last night (see option No. 1) seems to have washed away any malodorous evidence.
Oh, and did I mention that the storm knocked out our power which made it impossible for us to bathe him because it was so freaking dark and apparently we don't own one of those new fangled, modern wonders called a flashlight (see option No. 5). Which left us at the mercy of candles. Lets just say that we managed to not burn the house down. By the time the power was restored it was really late, we were all really hot and sweaty and Deuce went unbathed because his odor kind of just fit in.
I choose to see this as a valuable reminder that we would have made shitty pioneers. And to always pay our electricity bill on time.
Also? Pioneers didn't have the aid of persons in the service industry. Laura Ingles never had someone come over and shampoo the carpets. Thank god the cleaning lady came today because our Little House On The Prairie was starting to resemble Grey Gardens.
(Oh! Just had another splendid addition to my list: 6. Have cleaning lady run the carpet shampooer over Deuce a few times.)
18 comments:
Shitty list. Hate it.
I like numbers 1,2,3 and 5.
I think #2 would be great just leave the top open and give Deuce a snorkel.
-everette
Shame on YOU BOTH! You take that baby and give him a nice bubbly shampoo and a blow dry and nice comb out. I NEVER believed all the lies you TWO tell on him. Shame on YOU BOTH! Love you Ducey.
Have you checked his ears? (Probably a dumb question)
Oh yes, Megs -- we totally checked every orifice. This is definitely something that he has gotten into and coated himself with. Its all over his entire body. Whatever he has rolled around in was 1) dead and 2) in the SLIMY throws of decomposition. (Did I mention he is also sticky?)
That's not to say we dont have an ear problem. Puggy has the stinkiest, funkiest, gunkiest ears on the planet earth. And his face folds are yucky too. Once Madge totally stuck her finger in his wringle and pulled out a BLACK, wet finger. He is always at the vet having his "yeast rolls" treated. I believe the medical term for this Stinky Gook-atis of the Flaps.
GRANNY BITCH! For shame! How can you take his side. Next time we go out of town he is coming to stay with you! I will remember your betrayal!
Those of you complaining about the smell in Houston... the smell of egg fart and paper plant? Yeah, sorry that's just Deuce.
I figured you had. I had forgotten (like everything else lately...damn preggo brain) that you are used to doggy ear problems with STP.
I've got it. Waterboarding.
MEGAN? YOU'RE PREGGO?
Shame on Steward too! Deuce can stay with me and Rio and Charlie (who was roliing in a bug he squished this AM) anytime and don't think he and I won't plot our revenge.... And we are VERY good at getting even.
Do you hear that Aggie? Pack Deuce's shit he's going to live with Granny Bitch!
Oh hell no he isn't coming to stay here! I have meet that little shit. Take him to the groomers you slackers! HAHA!
Aunt Halley
Halley: Talk to your mother. She has already committed and we all know that there are NO takes-ies backs-ies in this family.
Sorry! You two don't have to final vote on this one. And I will fight you guys on this one! Ha!
There IS no conflict. Deuce will get a bath before the Rockets game and you will all behave.
I have spoken.
The Aggie is a liar. The game is about to start and the Silky isn't washed...
UPDATE....
The Aggie just ran to the bathroom with Deuce because he saw I was calling him a liar on the interwebs. The dog is now being bathed HURRIEDLY before the game starts.
Met thinks that this doesn't count...
Of course Momma Pug doesn't think it counts. She was POWN!D.
Go Rockets.
Why didn't you just put him in the backyard and chase him around with the hose?
TREE! You spouting your easy solution! CRAZY TALK!
Once -- years ago -- you told me: "Your head will hurt less if you stop trying to apply logic where there is none."
TRUER WORDS! NEVER SPOKEN!
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