Now I Want Steak For Dinner

So, I live down in the quaint little suburb of Pearland. It's only about 15 minutes from my front door to where I work in the Texas Medical Center. Houston's the fourth biggest city in America, but somehow Pearland manages to maintain a sort of quaint, rural feel.

Now I live in a very structured, very WATER YOUR GRASS OR THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION WILL TAKE YOUR HOUSE sort of neighborhood. But you see, you never know what kind of zone you might live in or near. Because Texans like to do things their way you might have a strip club next to a church. (Next on the main stage DeeVine and Jesus.)

So this is why our neighbors – who two streets over but technically OUTSIDE of our neighborhood– have several head of cattle. They also appear to live in a compound surrounded by garbage trucks, scrap metal and BOTH Ron Paul and Barak Obama political posters. They're clearly a confused bunch. I suspect it’s a Branch Davidian sort of situation. Oh shit, I bet they sue me for saying that.

Anyway, it appears that while I was at work today, those cattle managed to escape. I imagine that this probably was not hard to do considering the people who are "tending" to them. In fact, these cows and their ornery old bull escape fairly regularly. I know this because I live near these unfortunately creatures. Any day now I expect Animal Cops Houston to raid them and in all the chaos of moving cattle and dogs and cats, we'll see an animal control officers emerge from one of the buildings carrying a monkey wearing a diaper. (Oh wait, that already happened to our other neighbors.)

But I digress. Got derailed. Monkeys and midgets do that to me. By the way, did you know that midgets want the word midget banned by the FCC on radio. I just really think the word fat is more offensive. Maybe I'd feel differently if I were two feet tall, but let me tell you being fat sucks. Shit, I just used the word fat. Eliminating it would never work for me. Guess we better keep midget too just to be fair.

Damnit. Got sidetracked again. Sorry. Where were we? Ah, yes, the cows.

While marauding through the 'hood this afternoon, the nine head of longhorn cattle allegedly chased three construction workers into their truck. I say "allegedly" because those fucking construction workers have been fucking shit up on that tiny little road for a motherfucking month. We drove on it yesterday and hit a pothole so big that I swear to you it dislodged my uterus. So I say the fuckers had it coming. But whatev. Maybe you feel differently about bull on human violence. That's your right. Just like its my right to say midget.

I don’t really care that the cattle broke lose. They're animals in a pasture and sometimes infrastructure fails. So put them back in or leave 'em out and make steak. Whatever punishment they deem appropriate is fine with me. If I get a vote I select delicious punishment, cooked rare and served with a baked potato.

But seriously, what's the big deal. Let the Branch Davidians put their cows back up or hop on and ride 'em for eight seconds or get out your steak knife. Any of those things are acceptable. Just don't do what these guys did and CALL THE HOUSTON CHRONICLE. And if you're the dude at the Houston Chronicle answering the phone, DON'T WRITE A FUCKING STORY ABOUT THE COWS BEING OUT. And if you're the editor, DON'T MAKE IT THE TOP STORY.

Yeah, no shit, Internet! Here's the front page. (Check out the top right hand corner.):

Sooo… okay you're going to have to trust me on this – I'm a bit of an expert on this particular situation. First of all I grew up in the country, and secondly, I used to write for newspapers. I worked three years in the cold, cruel newspaper business. So I know things. I also spent 20 years in God's country where satellite television and Internet are still for pussies.

When I was a kid we owned a bunch of Black Angus cattle. So believe you me when I say cows got out of their fenced in pastures ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And not once did we waste newspaper ink on that shit. No sirree. We saved the newspaper for spelling bees, obituaries and community updates. You know, real shit like Aunt Myrtle's first tomato coming on the vine OR Billy Joe Jr. shooting is first deer!

But cows getting out of the pasture? Ptf. Never.

What kind of paper is the Chronicle putting out, anyway? Oh, I know – the kind that won't exist in five years because of stupid shit like this.