Tip Of The Day: Don't Anger Killer Whales

Dear PETA,

If you're trying to win me and my legions of fat women over to your cause, this is NOT how to do it:

I can tell you that NOT ONCE has comparing me to a large, fatted animal ended well. Just ask my second grade archenemy. That bitch will tell you that I took a lot of abuse, but the day she decided to call me "Pig Thighs" a line was crossed and I snapped. I punched her in the nose, which you'd call a snout if you saw her today. The years have not been kind of my first enemy. She lives in a singlewide trailer in the same town we grew up in. She's not even 30 yet, but she's got several baby daddies and been married more times than Elizabeth Taylor. And to this day she remembers the fury of Pig Thighs.

But I digress.

Here in lies the rub. PETA, I agree with you about a lot of things. The conditions of animals testing facilities are horrible. Forcing feeding geese is repulsive. I don't like skinning animals just for their fur. Mike Vick makes me want to puke. I once saw a man beating their dog and called 911. It's not my fault that the call center lady thought that the dog was a small child. And sent swat in to grab the victim. While I hid in the upstairs of our house and watched out window as our worthless neighbor had his front door broken down.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down, PETA? I am one of those people that loves their dog more than most other human beings. Lets just say that if Ripken and a the little boy from down the street were trapped under a burning car and I could only pull one of them out, I would be faced with a major moral dilemma. I wish I could say that I'd do the right thing, but I'm pretty sure this scenario ends with me sending sympathy flowers to my neighbor. Let the hate mail commence. Yeah, I just chose the life of my dog over that of a person. But trust me, my dogs is way more loyal than that kid. In fact, that little bastard threw rocks at our house and dented my car. So I say he had it coming. Hypothetically, of course.

So see, PETA, I'd even sacrifice human life for an animal. Okay, so I'm rambling. And apparently a heartless person who cares naught for children. Please pause with me a moment while I regain focus….

Okay, PETA, what it comes down to is this: How can it be unconscionable to treat animals poorly, comparing them to holocaust victims and slaves, yet still not see a problem with discriminating against fat people?

The obese are the last demographic in this country that is still socially acceptable to mock, laugh at and discriminate against. PETA would never suggest a minority member to change their race in order to help "save" an animal. They'd never ask a gay person to go straight. Nor would they dare to suggest that a woman have a sex change to become a man. So why is it okay to compare an over weight woman to Shamoo?

Also? This is an excellent way to get stabbed, PETA.

Sincerely,

Momma "Pig Thighs" Pug