Return of the Ninja Warrior

This morning I was sitting in front of the vanity applying my makeup when I glanced out the window and noticed a "disturbance."

At first I wasn't sure what was going on. The skies darkened and a strange, high-pitched sound penetrated the walls of our house. My first thought was TORNADO! GET IN THE TUB, YALL! But then I noticed that Ripken The World's Most Sensative Dog wasn't freaking out, but was snoring on the floor. So I got out of the tub and went over to the window for a closer look.

Nothing. No storm clouds. Nada.

And then BAM! GERTRUDE is in the window. And in her mouth is the limp body of a squirrel. No, that's tiny beaver? With a collar? Sweet. Baby. Jesus. She has a guinea pig that us wearing a pink collar and has pink toenails. A pet! She is eating someone's beloved animal!

And then, before I can even respond to what I am seeing, a flock -- a literal FLOCK -- of angry birds swarm down and start attacking Gertrude. They know what she did to their family and friends and they have formed an angry mob and are retaliating!

RUN, GERTRUDE! HELP HUBS!

And so the Husband runs to the back door, swatting angry bluebirds away and Gertrude darts in, having lost the slain critter behind.

And now I am trying to convince the Hubs that she had a PET. IN HER MOUTH. He doesn't completely believe me, I can tell.

Meanwhile, there is yet another neighbor out there we have to avoid.

Really, though, how did she get the little fellow. There are only the options: 1) she broke in and stole it 2) it escaped and she caught it or 3) she desecrated a burial site and dug him up.

Seriously, how many crimes can this fucking cat commit?

-- Post From My iPhone