More of my famous cousin

That's her on the right, yall! Getting duck taped up.

Well, thanks for ruining an entire ecosytem, BP. Good job on that one. You really showed us. Also, extra point for your creative use of duck tape.

Oh, and gracias for making Halley famous.

My fave part: In story where she's featured IN A HAZMAT SUIT.

The prosecution rests in the case of the Shoe Thief

Impressive. Most impressive.

Return of the Ninja Warrior

This morning I was sitting in front of the vanity applying my makeup when I glanced out the window and noticed a "disturbance."

At first I wasn't sure what was going on. The skies darkened and a strange, high-pitched sound penetrated the walls of our house. My first thought was TORNADO! GET IN THE TUB, YALL! But then I noticed that Ripken The World's Most Sensative Dog wasn't freaking out, but was snoring on the floor. So I got out of the tub and went over to the window for a closer look.

Nothing. No storm clouds. Nada.

And then BAM! GERTRUDE is in the window. And in her mouth is the limp body of a squirrel. No, that's tiny beaver? With a collar? Sweet. Baby. Jesus. She has a guinea pig that us wearing a pink collar and has pink toenails. A pet! She is eating someone's beloved animal!

And then, before I can even respond to what I am seeing, a flock -- a literal FLOCK -- of angry birds swarm down and start attacking Gertrude. They know what she did to their family and friends and they have formed an angry mob and are retaliating!

RUN, GERTRUDE! HELP HUBS!

And so the Husband runs to the back door, swatting angry bluebirds away and Gertrude darts in, having lost the slain critter behind.

And now I am trying to convince the Hubs that she had a PET. IN HER MOUTH. He doesn't completely believe me, I can tell.

Meanwhile, there is yet another neighbor out there we have to avoid.

Really, though, how did she get the little fellow. There are only the options: 1) she broke in and stole it 2) it escaped and she caught it or 3) she desecrated a burial site and dug him up.

Seriously, how many crimes can this fucking cat commit?

-- Post From My iPhone

The Judy Garland Trailmix

Last night I forgot I took some super duper allergy medication, so I didn't think twice about taking a narcotic pain reliever for my jacked up knee. I just knew that I was in pain and needed rest and relief.

The last thing I remember is propping up on the couch with an icepack on my knee and playing on my iPhone. Then like 12 seconds later the Hubs is shaking me awake saying I'm late for work. Only it's like eight hours later and I feel like I've been partying at Burning Man 48 hours straight.

"Work! Hurry up!" he says. But I swear for the life of me I couldn't remember what or where or how I work. I have a job? In an office? Where the hell are we?

And so Hubs is all GO TAKE A SHOWER. But the words are not registering. Is that English? Do I speak English? Did I kill a hobo last night? Are you the hobo's ghost?

Somehow I start moving and manage a bath and clothing, of which one piece may have been dirty. Then perhaps deoderant? Maybe? Maybe not? And then the Hubs throws me in the car and drives me to work. Turns out I do have a job in a office.

And it's not until three hours later and after I told my coworker/BFF the same amusing story like six times in a row - because I have lost my short term memory - that I realize I HAVE NOT BRUSHED MY HAIR. It's in the same ponytail/knot/ball that I slept on. Only I have added a hair band to keep the frizzy fly-aways out of my face. And for a second I can't tell of I look adorably bohemian or like a bag lady.

Later someone asked me how I got my hair to "stay like that." And I was all JUST O.D., APARENTLY... (silence)... KIDDING!

Cue nervous laughter. They were totally thinking, "Sooooo that's what's wrong with her. There are programs for that."

So, kids, becareful with your perscriptions. Or you will be judged. Just say no. Drugs are bad.

Also. Stay in school and use a condom.

This PSA was brought you by MY COMPLETE LACK OF COMMON SENSE.

-- Post From My iPhone

My Famous Cousin

So that horrific disaster that is killing all the newborn sea turtles and baby fish? Yeah, that monstrosity. Well, my cousin Halley is a marine biologist working for the Gulf Coast Research Laboratory in Ocean Springs, Miss.

Pretty much I have no idea what she does there. I think a lot of testing/determining if the Mississippi Sound is going to grow a mustache and start talking with New Jersey accent. And let me tell you. She wields the POWER. If the water is too yucky, she only has to say SHUT ''ER DOWN and n one goes a swimming or eats shrimp.

And now? She's totally famous:

Go watch the entire news clip: http://www.wlox.com/global/story.asp?s=12426089

Gertrude, ninja assassain

A family of blue birds mourn the loss of four family members in what authorities are describing as "a gruesome, mass slaughter."

While local law enforcement officers aren't prepared to give an exact motivation for the quadruple murder, they have catagorized the tragedy as a "hate crime."

While the details ate sketchy, authorities have identified one individual as a "person of interest."

Tonight the police are asking the public to help them locate this person who may have vital information that could assist with the investigation.

"Are you kidding me? They had it coming. Always chirping. Yeah, well, tweet THIS, focher."

-- Post From My iPhone