Things I Actually Said Today

The husband and I are having one of those days when nothing bad happens but nothing really goes right either. One of those days when everything you say comes out wrong. We're just off.

We had an argument today that ended with these words spilling forth from my lips: "I still don't understand why we are not at Hooters right now!"

I mean, damn it people. This spat is keeping us from Hooters. Unacceptable.

Then the dogs were just on a tear. Why would they pee in the yard when there's a freshly mopped floor they could go on instead?!?

Me: "Damn it, Ripken. GO. OUT. THE. DOGGY DOOR! You're a dog and it's a doggy door! You are literallly made for each other."

Hubs (from his upstairs office): "Are you arguing with the dog?"

Seriously. Why are we not at Hooters?

-- Post From My iPhone

Monster

There's the wild dog that's been terrorizing our neighborhood.

He murders rabbits and squirrels, rips flowers from their beds and tears yards apart, and rips open bags of garbage. But no one ever sees him doing it. Our street just wakes each morning to a swath of destruction, never knowing the face our tormentor. Its being attacked by a ghost, there's tangible proof of his existence.

That dingo is a fucking ninja.

This morning, just as the sunlight broke through treetops on our once safe, sleepy street, my husband spotted the purveyor of destruction. He was taking out bags of garbage when he heard the distinctive sound of rustling from our neighbor's home a few doors down. It was the sound of garbage being shredded by an animal.

Carefully, he investigated. Coyotes are dangerous, dirty creatures. We're lucky our tormentor hadn't killed anyone's pets or attacked a child. A housecat would be a tasty hors d'oeuvres.

Except its totally not a coyote that hubs has happened upon. It’s a tiny little black and white cat named Gertrude.

Of course it is.

Evil, I has it, fucker.

It is only a matter of time before she is figured out and our home is stormed by an angry mob.